Could One More Be Too Much?
We recently had our 3rd baby.... I always wanted 4, but as the time passes with 3 children in my home I have been torn to pieces wondering if I do want # 4, how do we time it right? and do I really want 4?? I know for sure we have enough love for them, but with what we ran into having #3, I am almost scared to openly admit to anyone other than my husband I still want another. Another thing is I feel guilty that I cant spend as much time as I use to with our older two. Here is a little background on our situation..... We got married in 2002, 2003 on our first anniversary we found out we were pregnant with #1(while on the pill). When #1 was 6 months old (while on a low dose pill and breastfeeding no less) we found out we were expecting #2. Returned to work 7 weeks after he was born and breastfeeding failed miserably and he got formula... not one of my proudest moments, neither was the choice to let him cry it out because of severe colic (which I now know could have been because of the formula ...) FOR 9 MONTHS STRAIGHT! While both of us worked full time and had another little one at home... Honestly to this day I dont know how we survived and cant remember a lot of it.... We were done with having children at that time and I gave up on having the 4 I always wanted. Got an IUD and then decided to be a surrogate (another long story in itself). Got laid off before our #2 turned one and decided to start school. Had 3 surrogate babies while in school full time. After 4 years of general education, I finally got into the nursing program itself. My very first surgical rotation I saw a hysterectomy and immediatly texted my husband I did want #3! It was really the first time I was so upset by thinking I could not have what I had always wanted.... We were in the middle of trying for one more surrogacy and decided that after this one we would have one more baby for us. When that surrogacy fell through and left us with a horrible taste of ever wanting to do it again, we decided after thinking about it for a long time... that we would go ahead and try for #3. We tried for several months and on July 4th weekend of 2010 something told me that this was it! I knew for sure that this was the weekend I was going to get pregnant!! waiting for the stick to change was awful cause I just knew!! So about 10 days after ovulation while on a family vacation in Pismo Beach, I got a stick and tested and it was POSITIVE!! So so so happy!! The whole pregnancy I had been happier than I ever was pregnant, after all this was our very first planned pregnancy. Some of the comments we got from people were very disppointing and made me so sad. Also no one thought that this baby deserved a celebration of his life, but we were more than overjoyed for his arrival. (My nursing friends did throw me a "tea" and that meant so much to me that they cared enough to celebrate him!) My last clinical rotations ended in December and I decided to take the spring off (well the next year) from school since he was due in March. With trying for a VBAC I wanted to give myself the best chance at it and also I did not think breastfeeding would be successful if I had to be at school the day after I gave birth (no extra time off no matter what your situation). It worked out better for us, but I was really sad because I would have graduated in May (2011)..... but my baby will only be a baby once. I only have this one chance to give him the best start in life. I took a leave, so I am to return late January to finish up my LVN and graduate May 2012. I have not worked since I was laid off and every week has been a struggle for us (except while I was a surrogate and we decided that this was something that we are no longer able to do... emotionally). I do have comfort in knowing that once I finish school I have a greater chance at getting a part time job to help with finances but that wont be at least until next summer. So I really need to finish next spring no matter what. I also want to breastfeed #3 for at least two years as recommended by WHO. So here are some PROS and CONS that we have come up with for having # 4: PROS
- Our #3 will have a sibling close in age (our first 2 are 15 months apart and are GREAT playmates)
- There is an even number of us so when we go places (like Disneyland) every one will have a partner and no one will be left out or be riding a ride alone
- The more the merrier! I could not think of a happier place to be than a house full of my kids!
- Our older two want one more baby too!! They love having our newest little one around and have been crazy helpful with him. I expected to see some jealousy because of attention, but really the only one who has had issues is our puppy! lol!
CONS
- We have basically committed to never having a sedan again and will always have to have a third row.
- Money is so tight right now and even though I am breastfeeding and cloth diapering, expenses will start accumulating once the baby gets bigger ... like the grocery bill, going out to eat, the movies.........
- It is getting harder to go places with 3 kids. I know when #3 gets older it will be easier, but we use to do everything together when it was just the 4 of us. Now it is hard to get us all to be able to do that and I miss that closeness.
- What about sports and after school activities... how do you spread yourself to 4 different things at once?
- Who is going to babysit 4 kids???
Can you help me grow my list of PROS and CONS? Also, if we should have #4, how far apart should they be? (anything hateful, rude or just flat our mean will be deleted)
That is a hard thing to answer for someone else. My sister has 6 kids. she said 4 was ok, 6 is way too many. (1 oops while on b/c pills/ 1 after vasectomy). It's a question of enough time and attention to go around? Will another baby fit in your life plan? I do think it is best to have kids close together even though mine didn't work out that way. You have to finish school and then HAVE go to work. You mentioned part time if you add #4 it might HAVE to be full time. Taking more time away from all the kids. More kids also makes private time for you and hubby more difficult to come by.What it boils down to is, tough times go around for everyone, but we always seem to make it through. Only you know what's in your heart. I knew I had to have mine and I knew when I was done. My sister thought she was done but God had other plans. When they get to be teenagers you might be sorry you had any. Good luck
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OK, so I have 4. Mine are 8, 9, 10, and 11, so as you can see, we had them one right after the other. When they were littler, things were way too tight financially. We made $13,000 the year Adam was born. I don't even know how we survived. I started working full time while my hubby stayed home because I could find work making more money. I feel like I missed out on a lot when they were little because of that and I regret that all the time.
ReplyDeleteAs time went on, things got better. I went to nursing school when my youngest was 13 weeks old. I started as an LPN (LVN in your state) and immediately went back for my RN. I know we have talked about that before. I am so glad I did. Even financially, it was the best decision I could have made. I can now work part time and spend time with my kids going to all of their activities. I did find a great 20 year old babysitter to watch them during the weekdays. But, with nursing, you have so much flexibility. You can work 3 12 hour shifts a week and that is full time. If you need extra cash, you can pick up an 8 hour shift while they are sleeping or at school.
Everyone thought we were nuts when we announced child #4. But I love that they are all so close. They used to question me when they had to go places without each other. They look out for each other. They get along with each other's friends. And yes - we have even numbers when we go places with rides :) I've had to give up sedans and my dreams of a Mustang Cobra. But they are at a stage where they are so fun now. We can play a mini baseball game because we have enough people! I love bouncing from swim meets to wrestling duals to football games and baseball games. There always seems to be enough time. It always works out. I made all but 1 game of my little guys this year. I only missed 2 games of my older one. And I made it to at least half of very swim meet of my daughter's. I wouldn't change the 4 of them for anything.
I used to focus more on work and less on family. I have realized in the past few months that family is what I want to and need to focus on. I plan on giving up the 60+ hour a week job. Even though I love what I do, I love being with my kids more. I have been looking for something part time. So we can have fun together as a family.
No dillema here Christy :) as long as both you and the hubby are on the same page I say go for it. Never feel guilty about time or lack there of for the kiddies. Just remember each child got your individual attention accordingly and always will. When I found out I was pregnant with Elijah I kept stressing on things like "would I love him as much as Trevon" or vice versa. Stupid thoughts really cause my love for both are greater and now I want numero tres all ready :) as far as the job circuit goes just think how more stressful it is wondering i f your children are in good hands or working just to pay for child care. Our jobs as mothers is the ultimate job especially when rearing tomorrows future. Your an amazing caring gorgeous logical woman and I enjoy your posts because you say a lot of what I struggle with daily. I'm very happy for you and your wonderful family and the support of your husband. What you could do with the kids is once a week set a day for each child individually and have a mommy daddy and one child and make a special time and commitment for said child that way you and the kids look forward to the one on one :). Love ya girl and hope we can all have a get together say camping down here in Orange County. Would love to meet the fam and all of our kids would have a blast...~Amber~
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