Could One More Be Too Much?

We recently had our 3rd baby.... I always wanted 4, but as the time passes with 3 children in my home I have been torn to pieces wondering if I do want # 4, how do we time it right? and do I really want 4?? I know for sure we have enough love for them, but with what we ran into having #3, I am almost scared to openly admit to anyone other than my husband I still want another. Another thing is I feel guilty that I cant spend as much time as I use to with our older two. Here is a little background on our situation..... We got married in 2002, 2003 on our first anniversary we found out we were pregnant with #1(while on the pill). When #1 was 6 months old (while on a low dose pill and breastfeeding no less) we found out we were expecting #2. Returned to work 7 weeks after he was born and breastfeeding failed miserably and he got formula... not one of my proudest moments, neither was the choice to let him cry it out because of severe colic (which I now know could have been because of the formula ...) FOR 9 MONTHS STRAIGHT! While both of us worked full time and had another little one at home... Honestly to this day I dont know how we survived and cant remember a lot of it.... We were done with having children at that time and I gave up on having the 4 I always wanted. Got an IUD and then decided to be a surrogate (another long story in itself). Got laid off before our #2 turned one and decided to start school. Had 3 surrogate babies while in school full time. After 4 years of general education, I finally got into the nursing program itself. My very first surgical rotation I saw a hysterectomy and immediatly texted my husband I did want #3! It was really the first time I was so upset by thinking I could not have what I had always wanted.... We were in the middle of trying for one more surrogacy and decided that after this one we would have one more baby for us. When that surrogacy fell through and left us with a horrible taste of ever wanting to do it again, we decided after thinking about it for a long time... that we would go ahead and try for #3. We tried for several months and on July 4th weekend of 2010 something told me that this was it! I knew for sure that this was the weekend I was going to get pregnant!! waiting for the stick to change was awful cause I just knew!! So about 10 days after ovulation while on a family vacation in Pismo Beach, I got a stick and tested and it was POSITIVE!! So so so happy!! The whole pregnancy I had been happier than I ever was pregnant, after all this was our very first planned pregnancy. Some of the comments we got from people were very disppointing and made me so sad. Also no one thought that this baby deserved a celebration of his life, but we were more than overjoyed for his arrival. (My nursing friends did throw me a "tea" and that meant so much to me that they cared enough to celebrate him!) My last clinical rotations ended in December and I decided to take the spring off (well the next year) from school since he was due in March. With trying for a VBAC I wanted to give myself the best chance at it and also I did not think breastfeeding would be successful if I had to be at school the day after I gave birth (no extra time off no matter what your situation). It worked out better for us, but I was really sad because I would have graduated in May (2011)..... but my baby will only be a baby once. I only have this one chance to give him the best start in life. I took a leave, so I am to return late January to finish up my LVN and graduate May 2012. I have not worked since I was laid off and every week has been a struggle for us (except while I was a surrogate and we decided that this was something that we are no longer able to do... emotionally). I do have comfort in knowing that once I finish school I have a greater chance at getting a part time job to help with finances but that wont be at least until next summer. So I really need to finish next spring no matter what. I also want to breastfeed #3 for at least two years as recommended by WHO. So here are some PROS and CONS that we have come up with for having # 4:

PROS

• Our #3 will have a sibling close in age (our first 2 are 15 months apart and are GREAT playmates)
• There is an even number of us so when we go places (like Disneyland) every one will have a partner and no one will be left out or be riding a ride alone
  
• The more the merrier! I could not think of a happier place to be than a house full of my kids!
• Our older two want one more baby too!! They love having our newest little one around and have been crazy helpful with him. I expected to see some jealousy because of attention, but really the only one who has had issues is our puppy! lol!
  
• 
  

CONS

• We have basically committed to never having a sedan again and will always have to have a third row.
  
• Money is so tight right now and even though I am breastfeeding and cloth diapering, expenses will start accumulating once the baby gets bigger ... like the grocery bill, going out to eat, the movies.........
  
• It is getting harder to go places with 3 kids. I know when #3 gets older it will be easier, but we use to do everything together when it was just the 4 of us. Now it is hard to get us all to be able to do that and I miss that closeness.
  
• What about sports and after school activities... how do you spread yourself to 4 different things at once?
  
• Who is going to babysit 4 kids???
  

Can you help me grow my list of PROS and CONS? Also, if we should have #4, how far apart should they be? (anything hateful, rude or just flat our mean will be deleted)

4 months! My how the time has flown by

And I am more than thankful to have been a part of every second so far in his life! He has his check up on his 4 month birthday and is 19 pounds 2 ounces and 27 inches long! When I was changing his cute Dippee Dypee, the doctor asked me to take a look at his growth on the chart. His little "X" mark was quite a bit above the standard range for his age group! So literally he is off the charts!! She said she was not too concerned because he is growing proportional with height and weight. I am sure he will slow down once he starts moving and crawling!
Cole is now talking like crazy to us, smiles with the cutest chubby cheeks and is doing mini baby push ups. Soon he will be ready to go! We know the baby proofing is not far off!